


The True Story of a Bounty Hunter (as told by him); or, Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Boba Fett But Were Afraid to Ask

by RobinMistySaddle



Category: Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Autobiography, Crack, Gen, Mentioned Darth Vader, Mentioned Han Solo, Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 07:02:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16739308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobinMistySaddle/pseuds/RobinMistySaddle
Summary: Some say he is one of the deadliest bounty hunters...And that when given the choice between business and pleasure, he chooses the one that will cause the most violence...Or does he?





	The True Story of a Bounty Hunter (as told by him); or, Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Boba Fett But Were Afraid to Ask

Not that long ago in a wretched hive of scum and villainy...

It was a Thursday morning and I had just opened for the day when he walked through the door. Well, not so much walked as stumbled. Whether he had just gotten up and had a hangover or he had just partied the whole night through and hadn’t gotten any sleep...eh, doesn’t make any difference to me. A patron’s a patron.

“What’ll it be?” I asked.

He groaned, and pulled off his helmet. It was a rough visage, hardened and not well kept. There were dark circles under his eyes. So, he hadn’t slept. “Give me a malt,” he rasped.

I poured him a tall glass and set it before him. “Running a tab, or...”

He rummaged through a pouch at his belt and tossed a few credits onto the bar. “Let me know when those run out.” I scooped them up. He was going to be here for awhile.

“You’re the one that bagged Solo, aren’t you?” I asked, trying to strike up a conversation. There was only one other patron in the establishment and I wanted something to do other than listen to jizz.

“Yeah, that’s me,” he said tersely.

“You know, he used to come in here. Quite the hotshot. Or at least acted like it. Plenty of others tried to get him, none were successful.” I leaned in. “You’ve got to tell me how you managed.”

He looked up at me. “You want to know the story? The real story behind it? Because I’m sure you know what they say about it on the HoloNet. About me, even.” He laughed. “I mean, I should know because I put most of that crap out there myself. Everything on HoloNet ”

I was a little taken aback. “What do you mean? You’re a hero of the Empire.”

He snorted. “Hero?” He shook his head before pounding the drink in his hand. “Alright. Fine. Here’s the true story.”

* * *

In order to tell you how I got Solo, I’ve got to tell you how it all started for me, because if I don’t, you’re never going to believe me. 

I was ‘born’ on Kamino. My dad was Jango Fett, greatest bounty hunter in the galaxy. So great that the Empire decided to use him as the blueprint for their army. An army of fucking clones of my dad.

But, and you’ll love this, what the fuck sort of clones did they create? Have you seen a stormtrooper shoot at anybody? They couldn’t hit a sandcrawler if it was parked five feet in front of them. So, consider that for a second. The clones are all fucked, so what does that make me? I mean, I guess I’ve got some natural skills and all, but I wasn’t at all interested in being my dad. And as an added bonus, I got to be raised by him. Just the two of us. At least until he lost his head on Geonosis.

I mean, the guy was an absolute wanker. Sure, he was a bounty hunter, but before that he was an army officer and he had a real hard on for living the military life. Up at 5, running, eating the most bland breakfast that you can imagine, and then training and practicing. That’s just the early morning. I mean, it was fucking boot camp all the fucking time. So, when he got offed, was I upset? I mean, sure my dad was dead, but all of a sudden it meant I didn’t have to listen to some asshole tell me what to do each and every second and do everything exactly the way he wanted me to do it. Seriously, fuck him. It meant I could do what I wanted, when I wanted. I mean, the guy was loaded from all of his work as a bounty hunter and here I was, all of...shit, I have no clue. Eight, maybe? Ten? What the fuck does it matter. But here I am, a little pipsqueak with a shit ton of money, so what do you think I did?

I’ll tell you what I did. I headed straight to Valentia. I had the money and they had the women. I mean, there’s better pussy in the galaxy but what the fuck did I know then? I was just having a good old time fucking and drinking. And trust me, nobody asks any questions when you can drop the credits on the table like I could. I didn’t care about getting revenge on Windu or the Jedi. I mean, those fuckers are just a different sort of asshole than my dad, but none of them were worth my time.

After a while, I decided I should have a hobby, so I got into the bounty hunting business, too. I guess I couldn’t help it. I had the skills. I had the ship. I had the armor. Pretty much thanks to my dad it was the only thing I can do. I had money, but it got me more money, and more money means more drinking and fucking.

Let me tell you a little secret about the armor, though. It’s tough and all that, keeps you safe if you get into a blaster fight. But otherwise, it’s just fancy armor. What makes it special? Chicks dig the armor. Seriously, it’s why I wear it. It looks fucking cool with the boss jet-pack slash missile launcher. I don’t even have to say a fucking word. I just stand there looking all studly and the women throw themselves at me. It’s my dad’s armor, with just a better paint job, and did he ever use it to get some tail? Hell, no. Fucking wanker had no interested in fucking. Me? If it gets me pussy I’m all for it. Same with the ship. Slave I is the fucking hottest ship out there. It’s nothing like an Imperial ship and it’s nothing like those pissant Rebellion ships, so of course I show up in it all the ladies wants to check it out. And I’m not compensating for anything, trust me I got plenty to keep the ladies happy, but what does it look like? Like my cock. It’s just a big advertisement for what I got. It gets me what I want.

So, anyway, I started bounty hunting. I mean, yeah, I’d do the easy ones, make me some money, keep up the appearance of being this kick-ass bounty hunter, but it’s not like I needed the money. My dad was loaded. I could live 1,000 years and still not spend all of the credits he had. I don’t have to work, don’t get me wrong, it’s just something for me to do. Jabba liked my style. And I could live off my reputation. All that other shit you’ve heard about me? I made it all up so that when I showed up the bounty wouldn’t give me a hard time. Just make it easy pickings for me. 

But since, you asked, what you really want to know is how I got Solo. This, seriously is what happened. 

I was hanging out with Dengar. He looks like he’s a burn victim, but he’s pretty cool. He knows the best hookers and where to score the best narco-spice. He gets the notice about the Empire looking for a bunch of Rebels. I try to stay away from those entanglements. What’s good is it to me? You don’t want to cross them. They don’t understand the art of the business. But he asked if I wanted to come, and seriously I really don’t do Imperial bounties, but I thought, fuck it, why the hell not. I didn’t have anything better to at the time.

So we head to the Imperial fleet. IG-88 is there. Great dude. Some people think he looks like an alcohol still, but I’ll tell you what I think he really looks like. He looks like a giant walking dildo. And he doesn’t just look like it. Look, I’m a damn good fuck, but I’m telling you, I’ve seen the guy in action. He really is a dildo, vibrator actually, fully functional and all. And I’ll tell you this, no woman ever picks him first, but no woman has ever had a better fuck than with him. He has them creaming in a few minutes and he doesn’t let up. The guy is a literal sex robot. He could give up his gig as a bounty hunter and do just fine. Then there’s Bossk. Me and him go way back. We were both chasing the same bounty, only hired by two different clients, and once we got over the misunderstanding about what we wanted, things were cool. But don’t piss him off. And lastly, there’s 4-Lom, and well... You know what, fuck him. The dude’s a malfunctioning protocol droid. Do you know how interesting a protocol droid is? The guy’s a fucking tool, and not like IG-88. Oh yeah, and Zuckuss. Completely forgot about him, so I guess that tells you what you need to know about him.

Anyway, we’re there with the Imperial fleet and Vader, total douche by the way, is telling us what he wants, and I’m standing there and all I’m thinking about is how I can brag that Vader hired me personally. You know how far that cred will take you? I can up my fee with that. But I’m standing there not thinking about any of it. I’m thinking about the hooker I brought with me. I’ll be honest. I was going to get the details and when we split, was just going to go back to my ship, fuck her, and then go to a pleasure planet or swing back here to hang with Jabba. 

So, yeah, we leave the Star Destroyer, and I’m sitting there in my cockpit with this girl giving me head. I’ll be honest. I’ve had better, but I didn’t pay much for it, so I’m not really complaining. The Slave I is just hanging there off of the back of the fleet, and they’re soon going to jump to hyperspace and I’ll make my move after that. And as this girl is trying her best, I mean I’ll give her credit for that, that’s when I notice the Falcon drifting away with the fleet’s trash before the jump to hyperspace. By the way, can we talk about that? Fucking Imperial Star Destroyers and everything else with them and they HAVE to dump their trash in space before they make the jump? I mean, I know the galaxy is big and all, and the Empire is not exactly the most caring of people, but just dumping tons of trash? And they’re ships are so poorly designed that they have to do that? It’s not like I have to do it when I jump to hyperspace. But I’ll give props to Solo being smart enough for the maneuver.

Anyway, I pushed the girl away. This was going to be an easy score and with what I would get from the Empire and, if I played my cards right, what I could get from Jabba as well, getting head wasn’t that important anymore. So, I followed him, realized his trajectory was taking him to Bespin and got there first with the Imperial Fleet. The rest is history.

* * *

He looked at his drink, slowly considering it, swirling what was left at the bottom of the glass before gulping it down. It was his seventh glass. “True story,” he slurred slightly. He stretched and leaned back on his stool. “Anyway, Solo’s friends started showing up to try and break him out of the carbonite block Vader froze him in, but they’ve all been too stupid and Hutt’s captured them all. I know the Empire wants them, but we’re all getting on his sail barge and heading out to the Great Pit of Carkoon and he’s tossing the ones he has no use for in to the sarlacc.” 

He leaned forward and stopped to think for a minute. “Yeah, I should get going,” he said, and even though I was standing right there, I’m pretty sure he was just talking to himself.

“I’ll be right back with the balance of your credits,” I said.

He absent-mindedly waved his hand. “Nah. I’ve got so many credits now...yeah, you just keep it.” He got up, grabbed his helmet off the bar and slipped it back on. He wasn’t stumbling anymore. I watched as he walked up the stairs and out the door into the hot Tatooine sun.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this, please check out my other works


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